


intrusive thoughts

by renjunnie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-13 20:20:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14755656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjunnie/pseuds/renjunnie
Summary: every other thought in jaehyun's brain is about dying, but for some reason he's still hanging on.





	intrusive thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this while i was in university as a coping mechanism. it sat in my google docs for a year or so. found it yesterday and as it can stand alone, i figured i should share. it won't be continued. thank you.

_Jump off of the bed and break your legs._

 

Jaehyun sat up, blearily rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He felt foggy again. The pillows were calling for him to lie back down. Why even bother to get up?

But he rolled over and shimmied out of the lofted bed, his feet slamming down on the cold floor. He rubbed his eyes again, trying to figure out why exactly he’d bothered to move. It’s not like there was anything worthwhile to do out of bed… Oh, right. His medicine.

He dug around on his desk, shuffling papers and pens out of the way, as he searched for that small pill bottle. As one of the stacks of textbooks leaned dangerously to the left, he found the bottle, under an incomplete worksheet from three weeks ago.

 

_Down the entire bottle._

 

He unscrewed the cap, and dry-swallowed the bitter pill with a grimace. If he was being honest with himself, the pills didn’t do anything noticeable. No mood improvement, no energy improvement, nothing. The only thing they did was force him to get out of bed everyday in the hopes that today, something might be different. It never was, but he had to hope. Without hope, what else did he have?

He sat down on the floor, leaning his head against his dresser. He knew he should open the drawers and get dressed, get ready for the day, but he wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed. The floor was cold, but he barely felt it as he sat.

Suddenly, his phone dinged with an incoming notification. He opened his eyes slowly, focusing on the lit-up screen that lay plugged in on the opposite side of the room. He forced himself to stand, joints popping as if he’d sat there for ten hours, instead of ten minutes.

**_Lee Taeyong:_ ** If you can make it out of bed today, I’ll buy you a coffee. Anything you want. If not, that’s fine… but meet me if you can. Love you!

 

_Tell him you never want to see him again._

 

**_Jung Jaehyun:_ ** I’ll see you soon. I love you more.

 

He set the phone back down and made his way back over to where he had been sitting only moments before. The desire to get back in bed didn’t seem as strong now, although it was still overwhelming. Now, though, it seemed manageable.

Pulling open the dresser drawers revealed a lot of similar looking shirts and pants - black, gray, and the occasional white. It didn’t matter which he chose, yet he still stood there for a few minutes considering his options.

 

_Get back in bed._

 

Dressed, he slipped on his dingy pair of Vans (lace-up shoes were often too much of a challenge), shouldered his worn backpack, and picked up his phone from the table. Jamming it in his pocket, he pulled open the room’s door

 

_Stay home._

 

and left, locking it behind him.


End file.
